Selma jumped off the couch and I Usain Bolted to the toilet and locked myself in. Now, you have to know that one of my ancestors was in Napoleon’s army during the Russian campaign of 1812. He wrote his last letter from Butkiškė, Lithuania, never to be heard of again. Only the letter survived. His brother fought against
Napoleon at Waterloo in 1815 and lived to tell the tale. And here I was, a descendant of these battle-hardened men, cowering in a fucking water loo. I opened
the door ajar and waved some toilet paper up and down. Selma told me it was safe to come out. I wasn’t too convinced though, because She could be a mean, brutish, cruel, merciless and barbaric bitch sometimes. But then again, you can’t live in a toilet for the rest of your life, so I opene –
She grabbed me by the balls and twisted them viciously. Like sticking your nuts in a mixer. Selma-ah-ah-aa.
I danced up and down like a frog on a hot plate. Next time you’ll do as you’re told, won’t you? Yes, yes, I give you my wo-aaa-ord.
She squeezed even harder and my voice reached the high C. She was more deadly than a demolition squad, no question about it. Don’t let it happen again,
She let go of my balls. I fell down on my knees and sobbed in pain.
My ancestors turned in their graves.