Category Archives: FANTASY

EMPRESS HYTYMADONGI

They came from a planet called ▽Ẫℏ¶Ŧµ◎Ⱶƃ℥☋Ǜ (aka planet T) and we were to them what bugs are to us. When they spoke about their planet, we could actually see what they meant, because their words came with images! So cool! The universe is teeming with life, Empress ℔ (aka Empress Hytymadongi) explained. All planets are Female-ruled, because no civilisation in its right mind puts men in charge. Unless you like catastrophes. Young and virile men are kept in Reproduction Colonies; the rest is put to work. As nature intended. 
They left in the early afternoon, because they wanted to be home before diner. Our planet is roughly 4 light years away from here, the Empress explained, so it’s just around the corner, really. And yet it would take you people 137 thousand years to get there. Haha, you are so unbearably primitive. It takes us approximately four hours, depending on the space wind. After they’d gone, our President was quick to explain: Women on our planet achieved so much, he said, thanks to men! We gave them the vote, we allowed them to study, we granted them jobs. Women are like children: they look up to us, imitate us, worship us. That’s how it’s always been, that’s how it’s always going to be. Everyone cheered, even some Women. Our president is, after all, such a wise man. And so we remain the laughing stock of the universe for many, many centuries to come.

HUMAN FOOTSTOOL

Roman emperor Brutus Maximus was and enormous asshole who made Nero look like a choirboy. In the year 523 A.D. he ordered his troops to attack Persia, just for the fun of it. The lunatic. Persia was ruled by Queen Hot-Yummy the 3rd and She led an army of five hundred thousand boners ….. uh … I apologise, I mean five hundred thousand soldiers into battle. Not only was She the most beautiful Queen from here to Venus and back, She was also a strategic mastermind. Brutus met his Waterloo in the Battle of Susa and was captured alive. Back then they would throw you off a cliff or to the lions, or something drastic like that, but Queen Hot-Yummy the 3rd had other plans. She kept Brutus in a cage and used him as a human footstool in front of Queens, Emperors, Generals and dignitary. He was mocked and ridiculed, but somehow he willingly committed himself to a life of slavery. And that was a good thing, because he remained Her footstool for the rest of his miserable life. From mighty emperor to a piece of IKEA furniture, how about that.