My husband wanted to do the entire renovation himself. He started in 1925 (it honestly felt that way) and was still hard at work a month ago. Weekends and holidays were all sacrificed for a never-ending nightmare of drilling, tiling, painting and hammering. I’d asked him several times to hire a contractor, but he wouldn’t listen. So I contacted the Black & Decker Brigade, because enough is enough. Six of them came barging in with scary looking saws, drills and hammers! Not to do the job for him, but to scare him shitless. My husband however, told them to piss off.
Alright, the Chainsaw Girl said, let’s cut off his penis. The noise of the chainsaw was deafening and rattled the fillings in my teeth. My husband pissed his pants. So sad. Because these were brand new pants, you know.
Stop, st-o-o-o-o-p!
She turned off the chainsaw. Come on, man, be a sport, let me cut it off.
I will hire a contractor, OK? Happy now?
They looked at each other, grabbed him and tore down his pants.
Let’s dig a tunnel, Circular Saw laughed.
They attached a dildo to the hammer drill and invaded his ass with pinpoint precision. The dildo was spinning round and round and my husband begged for mercy. He was a changed man with a changed ass after that.
Call us if he shows any signs of recidivism, Demolition Hammer said, and we will be right at your door. Oh well, you know the drill.

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