It was a beautiful Monday morning with not a cloud in the sky, not a worry in the world. She asked me if I knew the meaning of the word ‘bastinado’. I didn’t want to look stupid (which wasn’t easy), so I frowned and tapped my lips. I told Her I thought it was some sort of dance, like the tango or the merengue. Let’s dance the bastinado, cha-cha-cha. Made perfect sense to me, to be honest. But I was wrong. Bastinado means caning the soles of someone’s bare feet. And you’re definitely not in the mood for dancing after that! I know all about it, because She decided to put it into practice right away and caned my feet as if She was beating the big drum. Not because I misbehaved or deserved a punishment or anything like that. She simply:

needs no reasons,
‘cos there are not reasons,
what reasons does She need,
oh, oh, oh, tell me why,
I don’t like Mondays

She just wanted me to suffer. And suffer I did! The pain was absolutely excruciating. The cane made a high whistling sound and each stroke landed with the accuracy of a Swiss watch. I howled, mewed, bellowed, barked and squeaked in pain and begged for mercy. She put me through hell and back and I will respect and fear the bloody bastinado as long as I live.

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